God visited a man and to convince him that he needed to go to Heaven said to him, ‘To reach heaven you must give up cigarettes, alcohol, and sex.’ The man pondered this and said he’d try hard to fulfill God’s wishes.

A week or so later God visited the man again and asked him how his test was going. The man replied, ‘Well I’ve given up smoking, and I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol, but the other day the wife bent over the freezer and that was it, I had to have her there and then.’ God was disappointed and said to the man, ‘I’m sorry but that is forbidden in Heaven’.

The man replied, ‘Yeah, Asda’s weren’t too happy about it either.’